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ClustrMaps
2009 Sun 22nd Nov The Gift of Guilt...No Thank You!
I am happy to say that I completed my first blogging goal of posting everyday for the first 20 days of November! I wasn't sure I could do it, but I did and I am proud of myself for it.
That said, I know that I will not be able to post every day for the rest of the month because I will be entertaining family and friends over this Thanksgiving week and then I will be heading out for nine days of vacation and travel time. Some of that time I will be on a cruise and do not know what type of access they offer for the internet. So, be aware that my posts may be scattered and missing for the next two weeks, but I will be continuing once I return, so please keep checking in with me.
Ok, now that that is out of the way, I want to talk a little about guilt. For me, this is the time of year that the family guilt givers come out of the woodwork! I think they must consider it a gift of sorts, because they are very generous with their guilt and offer it freely and often.
As a child, I remember both of my grandmothers equally spewing guilt upon my parents to ensure that they were considered first in all holiday activities, not to mention that each was vying for top billing for time and meal sharing! As I got older, I tried to avoid the guilt gifts by prearranging my holiday plans by either working (which I couldn't get out of because I needed the money, as far as they knew) or I made sure to have an exit strategy in place before my arrival at each gathering.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family, each and every one of them, but I don't enjoy having guilt thrown at me, especially when I am doing my best to please everyone else and knowing that it is never enough because I can only be in one place at one time. I can honestly see why people have considered the idea of cloning themselves when I think of the holidays with my family.
There was one year when Hubby and I were a young couple where we just abandoned all traditions and went miniature golfing on Christmas, then to the beach. It was amazing because everyone in every branch of both our families had decided to have their family get together on days surrounding the holiday, but not on the holiday itself! A true Christmas miracle in my book.
From the day of my birth (smack dab in the middle of the holiday festivities) until I was about 27, I was affected by guilt trip from many sides during this wonderful giving season. How did I end it, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you...I moved away! Problem solved. After moving away, I would invite my family to visit me in my home for the holidays, where it was beautiful (and cold) with lots of snow. That way, my son could enjoy his holidays at home and see his family at the same time. I thought it was a brilliant idea! Guess how many times we had company for the holidays over the past 12 years? Three. That's it. And do you know what, I never once sent anyone a gift of guilt for not coming to us. Not once!
There were a few years that we did travel to family for the holidays and it was great fun, but it was on our terms, time frames, and because we wanted to, not because we were guilted into it. In fact, if someone throws an invitation out there with even a hint of guilt attached, I make my excuses and refuse to attend - but with kindness. I learned from watching my parents be tortured each year when I was a child that I do not want to participate on that level - its no fair and no fun for anyone!
This is the wonderful gift I give to myself and my boys, and I treasure it each and every year! If you are suffering from the family guilt givers this season, let them know you are no longer playing by those rules and set a few new rules for yourself. You don't have to be unpleasant or nasty, and you certainly don't have to miss out on spending time with the people you love, no matter how crazy they can make you (and we all have family craziness, but hopefully there is also a deep love and appreciation for them as well). Find your inner guilt free voice and share it with all of those people in your life who need to listen!
Good luck to all of you out there, I'm rooting for you! I wish you all a very happy and guilt free holiday season!